Tuesday, July 5, 2011

A long day ahead of me.

Dear Jehovah God,

I humbly ask for your help today. I've been avoiding chores around the house for months now. I do one or two here and there. But never finish them all at once. I feel guilty everyday that I'm too lazy to take care of Gramma like I should. I go to work and clean another woman's house and take care of her. Why can't I come home and do the same for myself and my family? So I'm praying for strength today to do everything. Laundry, bathrooms, kitchen, dusting, vacuum and weed the garden. I know I have work today but I can't seem to do it on my days off. Also please help me get rid of Gramma's impetigo. I hate to see her uncomfortable and she doesn't understand the gravity of it. Please help her to not scratch it. There are so many other things I am too weak to handle but if I can just take care of these chores I think tomorrow I will be able to tackle the big things.

Through Jesus Christ


Friday, February 11, 2011

Feeling good

I am so proud of myself. This week has been amazing as far my exercise regimen is concerned. I started off walking everyday, then on Wednesday I did a step class with one of my girlfriends. Next a hike and then I worked out with a trainer this morning. My legs are spaghetti but I feel fantastic. I was thinking this morning as I left that, I didn't remember gym instructors being so friendly in the past. This new gym is like going to disneyland everyday. They greet me with a huge smile and all remember my name. It's like they are all routing for me and when I show up they all exclaim..."Yay Big Girl!" My trainer said he's going to get me to do a pull-up in 8 weeks. We'll see about that one.

One of the downsides to this week is acidophilus. Not sure if I spelled it right but man that stuff has ruined my insides. I feel like a pooter machine. I don't know how I managed not to fart at the gym but it was a big concern. I stopped taking it but the side effects don't seem to be going away. Wish someone was reading this and they could help me out. Oh well.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Getting bored of being bored

Lately I've been playing with the idea of selling my X360, closing my facebook account and quitting netflix. All of the games I've rented have been so boring. I feel like the last one of my friends to give up farmville. And every movie I want to see I end up getting at that convenient little redbox vending machine at the grocery store. I think if I got rid of these time wasters I might be bored enough to actually go outside. But my fear is that I will still be bored but with nothing to do. I need a sign. I will try to live with out these comforts for three days and see how I do.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Wow...has it been this long?

So two months of not posting. I don't know what to say other then it's been that crazy. Lets see.... In the end of December I got into a text fight with one of my best friends. She has fibromyalgia and it flares up in the winter because of the cold weather. Well one morning she texted me that the rain was "killing her". I took that to mean that she didn't want to walk in the rain. A normal sentiment except that we had walked in the rain several times that month and I pointed that out to her. That she complained at first but actually enjoyed it once we got out there. Apparently "killing her" meant her fibro was bothering her. And she got offended that I was downplaying her disease or treating it like it wasn't real. Instead of telling me how she felt she just said..."hmmm". Then the next morning texted that she didn't want to walk anymore. I was pissed because I knew it was more then that but she just decided to blow me off instead of talking about it. We have since made up but it took a month of awkwardness to get back to normal. I almost didn't feel like writing about it because we are close again but it's good to reflect. She told me she has crazy moments and I forgave her. Also I am less likely to text important convos because they can so easily be misunderstood.

Also in December after my fight with chica I was determined to walk on my own. Two days into it I got sick. Not the sniffles sick but the coughing all night until you start crying sick. At the same time my dad asks to stay with us for two weeks. He actually was the one that gave me the cold.

He asked me for money and said he was buy groceries with his food stamp card in exchange. But it turns out men eat a lot more then I ever remembered. Or maybe it was just him. He has this issue with low potassium levels so he ate his weight in fruit everyday. And also complained that we were eating too healthy and had "diet portions". It was very offensive because when I got that cold I went off my diet. So he was just using the fact that I'm overweight that I must be on a diet. But that is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the irritation I experienced with my dad over the last two months. So basically he was saying that so we would buy him frozen crap like pancake corndogs and frozen pizzas. The funny thing is I stopped cooking for him and let him eat that crap for like two days and he apologized and said he wanted my food. Ha!

Anyhoo...two weeks turned to three and four weeks. Finally I asked him if there was another friend he could live with until his permanent place because available. And I explained that it wasn't because we didn't want him around just that the Housing Dept will be upset and kick Gramma off her plan if they catch him living here. I told him this even though he already knows...this is the 20th time we've gone through this. Since I first moved in he's been trying to live here and the managers told us two weeks is the limit and then they report to housing. Over and over and over. And he still will push his luck then make me bring it up to him. Then act like he's never heard it before. I don't know why I say yes to him staying in the first place. He seems so sincere and reasonable when he wants something. Then as soon as you have to tell him bad news he turns into this irresponsible jerk.

Well that's what happened. He told me that he did have another place. The next day he said it would be "no problem" and that he had plans to move that afternoon. But those plans fell through and instead of explaining what happened he blamed it on me. That I hadn't picked up my cell in time to give him a ride somewhere. When in fact he called me when I was driving home...literally 5 minutes away. So whatever. I said figure it out then let me know. But nothing....the next day he approaches me and at first apologizes. I readily accept his apology because I don't like the weirdness and tension in the house. But then he proceeds to tell me all the things he thinks of me. How I make him feel like a stray cat and I just care about myself. I say wait a minute...I just said that I'm ok. I'm not mad that I will give you ride and help you with whatever you need. Can you stop please? I don't deserve you yelling at me in my own house.  That only pissed him off more. And he continued accusing me of this and that. So during the time I was feeding, cleaning after, doing laundry, chauffering and genuinely caring for him he's been building a case against me. Yelling at me in front of my Gramma. I prayed so many times. He went on for an hour. Wouldn't let me interrupted him. And when I did get a word in he called me "too logical". That I was a cold, unemotional bitch. My dad calling me that. Sigh. It was horrible. Like a mad dog that was cornered. I was so proud of myself for not crying or screaming. I wish I didn't say anything. But some of the things he was saying I just had to defend myself. Eventually after asking him to stop several times I told him he had to leave. And he switched up real fast. It's like the kiss ass manipulation...check, then aggressive manipulation...check. Then when I was in the middle of saying something he just left. Said he had to go to the bathroom.

Then when he came back he pretended like nothing happened. So I just let him. I was scared he was going to try to spend the night but he didn't. He had me drop him off at his bar. And hinted that he didn't know where  he was going after. I was tired of hints, figured if he really wanted help then he would just ask. So he didn't call for a week. I was worried and so was Gramma but I knew he was making us pay for not letting him stay longer. Two weeks later he called asking for money. Apparently he had a new place and job but was out of food money. I told him that I would give him some but that we were square after that. That he never let me finish explaining but that he wasn't staying with us ever again, that he wasn't doing anymore work on the house and that I wasn't giving him anymore money. That I wish he had tried to work with me instead of work and angle on me. That it was just as much my fault for letting him use us as much as it was for him using us. He sounded hurt but I think it was long over due.

Ok...so that isn't the end of the drama. My cat also got deathly ill. Altogether it was 2K to get him fixed. It was a urinary blockage that turned into a tiny kidney infection. I don't have that kind of money but vet bills just slowly pile up. I think I took him back in 10 times in one week. Eventually I got smart and realized what they do at the vet I can do at home. I ended up teaching myself how to force feeding him, give him yogurt with probiotics, clean his weenis, and give him a water enema.  He hated me but he's alive now so it was worth it right? That was more traumatic then fighting with my dad. Just the thought of Huggybear dying makes me sad even now.

Then another cat ran under the house and got fleas. That was a pain. The vacuum belt broke at the same time. So I went to 10 different places looking for an Oreck belt. Then my friend kindly showed me the Oreck store. Duh. I washed every clothing and bedding article in the house. De-flead the carpet and couch and beds. It took me all day. Literally 15 hours of cleaning. So lame.

Did you know that cats with fleas can get buttworms. Yup...I just noticed them yesterday. I bought them medication and they should be ok. I can't afford the vet so I hope the over-the-counter stuff works. I think the buttworms was the breaking point for me. I don't want pets anymore. I'm over it! I haven't pet any of the cats since and don't know when I will feel like it.

Wow I've rambled quite a bit. Needless to say I haven't been on my diet. Maybe other people can stick with it during drama but I haven't been able to figure it out. Even just talking about this stuff makes me want chocolate cake. Hopefully I will have a more motivated outlook by my next post.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

First Hurdle

So it's raining out today. My friend just cancelled walking this morning. We having been walking everyday together but today I have to decide if I'm going to go by myself or not. I used to walk by myself all the time no matter what weather or how early. Now I just don't feel like it and am a little bit scared to be in the dark. To most people it's not a big deal but I feel like if I give in this time I will the next time and the next. The beginning of the end. *Sigh* I really really don't want to but I will. I think there should be a law that you can't flake on your friend in the first week of a new goal.

Anyhoo...I started my diet yesterday. Not much of one yet. I just can't eat fast food and or soda or juice made from concentrate. I figure if I go easy on myself at first it will be better in the long run. After this week I am going to gradually lower my portion sizes and add more salad and steamed veggies to every meal. The most important thing is I can't backslide. So if I really want something I won't get rid of it until I know I'm ready to let it go forever.

You are probably wondering the progress so far. Basically, I stopped gaining weight so fast. lol I think this week I will maintain my current weight. And next week I will start losing. Slow and steady wins the race right?

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Day 6

Okay, I pose this question to you all. Is it okay to believe in stereotypes? I strongly feel that it's wrong to lump any group of people together for any reason. Whether it's a religious group or race or body type or social class. I know for a fact that you look a typical way and be completely different on the inside. I am one of those people. My friend today on our walk was trying to legitimize stereotypes saying "there must be a reason for them". Of course there are reasons. Doesn't make it fair or right. It wouldn't be ok to assume that if you are Italian you must be a mobster. Or because you are upset and black and female that you are an just a typical "angry black woman". My friend is the nicest most loving person I know and I just don't understand how she doesn't see how hurtful it is. Even if its a benign stereotype there are people out there that use it to feel hatred towards that group.

The crazy thing is that I was telling her people should be judge on their actions and she disagreed with me again. That "who are we to judge". *sigh* It's so backward I wanted to pull my hair out.

Anyway... I went to the doctor yesterday and she yelled at me. My blood pressure was high and I hadn't lost any weight. I'm thinking by my next visit I'll have a surprise for her.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Day 5

First, I love my new tiny juicer. I made the bomb kiwi apple tangerine smoothie today. It wasn't hard cleaning up after either. That is going to be an easy goal to keep up. But as for the walking... I failed yesterday. I walked out of my house and saw a bunch of weeds. Ended up spending an hour in the garden instead of walking. Now today I'm all dressed to go and I can't find my ipod. Grrrrr. Normally I would take this as a sign to not go but I can't. I have to at least make it five days. I just know if I don't make it enjoyable then I won't keep it up.

Second, why are all my friend bailing on me? Its winter, I know, but we live in Southern Cali. I saw someone in flipflops and shorts yesterday. So next week I'm adding to my list: finding a way to motivate my lazy ass friends.

Okay, I'm off to look for that dang ipod again then out to walk the pounds away.